That First Inconceivable Touch

I tried to sleep last night at my workplace with much difficulty. And when I finally could, I had a nightmare, and I was lucid dreaming.

This is really complicating to explain.

My dreams of those I can remember consists of more lucid dreaming. And most of them are nightmares. I'm having those recurrent nightmares at work and sometimes at home that made me so afraid I would wake up but feel really sleepy, and then I will go back to sleep (despite just having a nightmare). But when I fall back sleeping, I continue having that nightmare I woke from. And that will happen like a few times, with me waking up really scared and trying very hard not to fall asleep because of the acknowledgement that I will continue having the same horrible nightmare. But try as I might to control my dream I will fall back into the same black hole, the very same nightmare I woke up with.

Moreover, while all that was happening, I knew I was dreaming. It was like an out of body experience. When I was younger, I can't go back to sleep after having a nightmare. But these nightmares I'm having, I feel really sleepy when I get woken up from them. I will try to get up from bed, but I can't. I can't move any part of my body, it's like I'm awake yet I'm not. I know I'm awake, I want to get up, but I can't. I try to turn to my side to a more comfortable position, but I can't. I command my arm to move, but I have no control over any part of my body. My mind is awake but my body is not. Usually these nightmares only happen when I'm lying supine in bed. I realised I don't have these lucid nightmares when I sleep on my side. I struggle to get out of the nightmare I'm having by thinking other nice thoughts, sometimes after a few tries of waking up and falling back asleep I succeed. Sometimes after having a long mind and body struggle, I managed to gain control of my body, and move and get up from bed.

The worst part of the whole experience is when I wake up in the morning and feel worse than actually not sleeping at all during the night. Like now.

I read up abit on lucid dreaming, and it stated that instead of controlling the nightmare, I can try changing my own attitude. By realising that it is only a dream and that I won't sustain any physical damage, I can allay my fear, which is the only real part of the nightmare.

This made me realise, in which the method can also be applied in real life. I can't change the events in life, but I can change my own attitude towards them...